At the heart of all of my insecurities, I worry that I will end up alone.
I know that I am capable of hurting Tyler and I worry that I’ll have the power to say something that will make him finally throw up his hands and call it quits. Not because he’s a bad boyfriend, but because I won’t be worth it.
Given the opportunity to write and be published, maybe I won’t be good enough and all my pitches will be rejected and I’ll wind up without a job, alone. Because I’m actually a bad writer.
Why hello, insecurity, I see you there.
A best friend will need me and I won’t have the right words to say to help so eventually we will stop being friends and I won’t have anyone to go on coffee dates with and there will be no more girls’ nights. All because I don’t have the right words to say and can’t comfort people.
Insecurity: 3, me: zero.
I’m at a beautiful time in my life. I have been given opportunities and places in which I can grow and flourish. Fun and creative internships have landed in my lap and I’ve been brave enough to start writing my thoughts here. Graduating next year means new adventures and an open horizon with hundreds of bouquets full of possibility. I am surrounded by strong, beautiful women and a man who loves me when I’m at my worst.
But at the end of every successful day, a small, thin voice (that is eerily convincing) creeps into the back of my thoughts and reminds me that if I mess up even once, I’ll end up a failure in every way, alone, with no one but myself (which wouldn’t be fun, because I’d just moan to myself about being alone).
Somehow, despite it all, I fear I will be alone.
Besides the fact that being by yourself can actually be kinda awesome, it’s not very accurate that everyone in my life will leave me if I don’t do everything “right.” Even though it can be pretty easy to think that way about ourselves, can you imagine leaving a good friend or significant other because they didn’t achieve something professionally, their blog didn’t become popular over night, or they didn’t have the words to make your pain go away?
Honest, healthy friends don’t abandon the people they love based on their successes or failures. A true friend recognizes the humanness in herself and doesn’t expect others around her to be “super friends.” No matter how much I desire to always write the best article, be the hardest-working student, or be the dream girlfriend, I won’t always make it. And thank the good Lord that the people who surround me in life aren’t loving me because I do or don’t do ____.
Remember, when you’re feeling insecure, where those thoughts come from and how that voice inside your head LIES. It’s normal to fear being alone; we were made for connection and community. But don’t let the fear of being left by yourself stop you from taking on new adventures and challenges.