I don’t know about you, but one of the hardest things for me is moving forward without a plan. I am the type of person that likes to know a lot of information before moving forward and making decisions. If you took a peek at my calendar you’d see many (too many!) lists and notes and highlighted schedules. I’m somewhat of a calendar nerd (just ask my boyfriend) and love to be organized.
This can be quite the problem when I have to make immediate decisions or move forward without knowing where I’m going. Part of the problem is I want to control my life down to the last detail. It’s hard for me to release and let go and trust – in people, myself, and God. I want to hold onto relationships and plans and the future with a tight grip to make sure nothing gets out of line or messed up. The ironic part of course is that things still get messy even when I try to control things. I still miscommunicate with my boyfriend, feelings are hurt in friendships, and things get stressful with my family. However, I make myself much more stressed when I hold on to people and situations instead of letting them happen naturally. There are no sure lines in relationships; I can’t control or guide the universe, no matter how much I strive to.
I struggle with wanting things to be perfect. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best relationship with my significant other or wanting to have an organized room or getting an A on a test. But it gets problematic when I hang my hopes and dreams on an outcome that can’t happen 100% of the time. I can get so upset at something that goes wrong when it’s actually just a normal human experience. Having high expectations and wanting to experience the most out of life is a good thing – I want to live life big and bold and beautiful, loving people and loving the world. However, not giving myself an inch or room to make mistakes, to have real emotions, to be human – that stifles life instead of growing it.
I want to be able to live with confidence and hope, but that doesn’t equal certainty. Perhaps today will be a hard day for grades. Maybe I won’t get the internship acceptance letter. I might have a disagreement with a close friend or say something that hurts someone’s feelings. I don’t have to know all the answers or be able to guide every moment and situation — but (and I’m speaking to myself here more than anything) isn’t life much more worth living when you don’t know the plan? I have hopes and dreams and plans. But I think those dreams and hopes are more beautiful with a little bit of coloring outside the lines; mistakes make life real and authentic and beautiful.
I’ve been trying to focus recently not on planning, but on loving. Simply loving those in my life; the big important relationships and the people who drift in and out. I want to embrace messy because messy is human, and begin to loosen my grip and live freely.
Do you struggle with wanting to control your life and make it perfect? I’d love to hear your story!